Rejected
Hello. Yesterday I got a phone call that I was rejected -- again -- for a primary teaching job. I really wanted this job. In every way, it fit exactly what I was looking for. And, just like the other two jobs I actually got interviews for (out of dozens and dozens I've applied for) I got the voice mail:
Awesome. Congrats. I'm so glad you found a great match for your team.
Finding the right career has been one of my life struggles. Along with my body and dysfunctional eating, my nomadic work life is my through line. It's about getting excited about change, then getting bored with routine. It's about thinking I have it figured out, only to realize "it" doesn't make me happy, or that "it" is coupled with a horrible boss, or that "it" is not something I'm particularly talented in, or that I really don't know what this "it" is so I pretend I got it all figured out and then the stress of keeping up the charade becomes too much.
So, teaching. This is my latest career iteration. At 46 years old, after volunteering in my son's school and then working in school-based non-profits for 8 years, I decide, you know, maybe I should be a teacher. The most honest and real I've felt in my life has been with kids; this I know is true, I know it in my bones. And, I myself love learning, and I love learning how humans learn and apply their knowledge. It's exciting, life affirming work. I get that it's exhausting work too, and painful and heart-wrenching. Sometimes it feels like there is no way to get traction with a kid, or there's a backslide, and the answers are not obvious. It's hard, and I knew that, and still at 46 I decided to take it on. Jump in, close my eyes. Get my masters and teaching license, with no guarantee that a job would be on the other side, but if I followed my gut, it would all work out.
"All work out" means a lot of things. One thing it does not mean for me is that I got a job out of school and I'm settling in with a class. It does not mean that despite having excellent references and solid job history, and a palpable passion for this work, that I am on a career trajectory for success, where I am developing meaningful relationships with kids and supporting their mental and emotional growth. Right now, "all working out" means I am subbing.
I've had some great sub positions, and some not so great ones. Yesterday, a sixth-grader complained to the principal that I was "too bossy," to which he said "She's the teacher. She's supposed to be bossy." The great sub jobs are fun. What none of the sub jobs have, though, is that long-term relationship building that comes with being a classroom teacher. That's what I was really looking forward to with this latest position -- building relationships with students, whether they are "difficult" or "compliant" or whatever word one uses to describe behavior, I just want the relationship. To see how a student grows over time. To be able to help that student tap into what he/she/they have inside to help them grow into a vibrant, healthy member of the community with high self-positive regard and a belief that anything is possible.
And that feeling I am hoping to help young people tap into for themselves? That's what's gone for me at this moment. Instead, here I am, a 48-year-old fat woman just starting out as a sub. Do people see me and wonder, what is wrong with her? Is she just going to be tired in the classroom? Is it that it's all young people with loads of energy or older people with loads of experience that get jobs? What if I "fake it till I make it" but I never make it so I'm always faking it?
It's one foot in front of the other for now. I'm going to a kindergarten classroom in two hours for a half-day job, so I guess it's time to turn this frown upside down and try to have a fun afternoon with kids.
"Thank you for coming in yesterday. It was so nice to meet you, but our team decided to go with another candidate. It was nothing you did, and I encourage you to keep applying in the district, but we just found a candidate who is a great match for our team."
Awesome. Congrats. I'm so glad you found a great match for your team.
Finding the right career has been one of my life struggles. Along with my body and dysfunctional eating, my nomadic work life is my through line. It's about getting excited about change, then getting bored with routine. It's about thinking I have it figured out, only to realize "it" doesn't make me happy, or that "it" is coupled with a horrible boss, or that "it" is not something I'm particularly talented in, or that I really don't know what this "it" is so I pretend I got it all figured out and then the stress of keeping up the charade becomes too much.
So, teaching. This is my latest career iteration. At 46 years old, after volunteering in my son's school and then working in school-based non-profits for 8 years, I decide, you know, maybe I should be a teacher. The most honest and real I've felt in my life has been with kids; this I know is true, I know it in my bones. And, I myself love learning, and I love learning how humans learn and apply their knowledge. It's exciting, life affirming work. I get that it's exhausting work too, and painful and heart-wrenching. Sometimes it feels like there is no way to get traction with a kid, or there's a backslide, and the answers are not obvious. It's hard, and I knew that, and still at 46 I decided to take it on. Jump in, close my eyes. Get my masters and teaching license, with no guarantee that a job would be on the other side, but if I followed my gut, it would all work out.
"All work out" means a lot of things. One thing it does not mean for me is that I got a job out of school and I'm settling in with a class. It does not mean that despite having excellent references and solid job history, and a palpable passion for this work, that I am on a career trajectory for success, where I am developing meaningful relationships with kids and supporting their mental and emotional growth. Right now, "all working out" means I am subbing.
I've had some great sub positions, and some not so great ones. Yesterday, a sixth-grader complained to the principal that I was "too bossy," to which he said "She's the teacher. She's supposed to be bossy." The great sub jobs are fun. What none of the sub jobs have, though, is that long-term relationship building that comes with being a classroom teacher. That's what I was really looking forward to with this latest position -- building relationships with students, whether they are "difficult" or "compliant" or whatever word one uses to describe behavior, I just want the relationship. To see how a student grows over time. To be able to help that student tap into what he/she/they have inside to help them grow into a vibrant, healthy member of the community with high self-positive regard and a belief that anything is possible.
And that feeling I am hoping to help young people tap into for themselves? That's what's gone for me at this moment. Instead, here I am, a 48-year-old fat woman just starting out as a sub. Do people see me and wonder, what is wrong with her? Is she just going to be tired in the classroom? Is it that it's all young people with loads of energy or older people with loads of experience that get jobs? What if I "fake it till I make it" but I never make it so I'm always faking it?
It's one foot in front of the other for now. I'm going to a kindergarten classroom in two hours for a half-day job, so I guess it's time to turn this frown upside down and try to have a fun afternoon with kids.
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